I've recently become fed up with a common trope in fantasy literature: "being captured for a favor". It always goes the same way: Group of heroes is ambushed with overwhelming force, then brought at gun/sword-point to the ruler who... asks for a favor. Usually a big one that coincides with the group's quest anyway, and generally works toward their aim of saving the world. It's not quite as overused as the "capture and escape from the bad guy's lair" but it's pretty close, and I find it a lot more infuriating, so here's my satirical short story about it. Enjoy.
The Travelers
The wizard Ohfunuk sighed to himself. He'd been sent to examine the
Seal of Shinivit and noticed that it had deteriorated considerably
since he'd last seen it. He tried using his magic to find out how
much longer it would last, but since magic wasn't an abacus, he had
to go talk to those nerdy tax people the king employed and make them
do the math. The news wasn't good: two weeks and Shinivit would be
free if they didn't do something. Heart heavy, he went to see the
King.
The King blanched, stewed, and did other things that cooks do to
vegetables, upon hearing the news. “Certainly you can do something,
wizard,” he said.
“I'm afraid not, sire. You see, you made me court wizard because we
were friends, and not for my talent. You may recall that in the
'notes' section of my last report card at wizard school, it said that
I sucked at magic so bad I shouldn't be allowed near broken branches,
much less a wand,” the wizard replied.
“Oh, yes. That may have been a mistake, now I think on it a bit. Is
there no one else who might aid us?”
“Sire,” the Captain of the King's guard said, “I received word
just yesterday that a mighty sorceress and her companions are
traveling through our kingdom as we speak. I've no doubt they could
aid us.”
“How fortuitous, bring them here at once,” the King said, then
added what he and many other rulers have become famous for when
conscripting travelers for service to the crown, “and be a total
dick about it. Full, unwarranted aggression.”
“As you say, sire,” the Captain replied.
The Captain and his men left the castle at once, and laid an ambush
for the traveling party. They leaped out at them, swords drawn,
shouting obscenities, and a few of the Captain's men even struck
members of the sorceress's party. Taken completely by surprise, the
mighty sorceress didn't notice that the ambushers were all dressed as
guards, and she completely lost her shit and killed them all with a
single spell. Fearing retribution for killing a bunch of the King's
guards, the group fled to a different kingdom. This ended up being a
good move because no one else could reinforce the cracked seal of
Shinivit, and not long after the group fled, the seal broke,
releasing Shinivit who destroyed the entire kingdom.
Save your kingdom – Don't be a dick.
No comments:
Post a Comment